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Light at the end of the tunnel

Okay, so yesterday sucked something bigger than I can even imagine.

But today, the 40th anniversary of my birth has dawned showing a tiny light at the end of the tunnel.

While I still think that there are certain parts of my marriage that are clearly fuckin' dysfunctional I also see that there is love there and that while my husband has that I'm-a-guy mentality for expressing that love he also mostly gets that he has to do it anyway...express his love for me, I mean. In other than I-pay-the-mortgage ways.

We talked a long time after the kids went to bed last night and I finally got up the courage to tell him some of my feelings. Stuff that I thought would make him go into bunker mode where he does nothing more than lob mean word grenades at me as a defense mechanism. I think he got it though and he has said that he will try to adjust himself (ha ha) accordingly.

And there were no grenades.

He even talked to me about how he felt and how he thought he was expressing his love.

So, maybe just maybe we can get throught this.

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Now, on to me. Happy Birthday to me.

Thanks to everyone who has left me notes and comments. You guys really made me feel better.

My motorcycle weekend was fantastic! I got to ride all the way there on the back of a friends BMW motorcycle....hmmmm....I love even the thought of it. And the other friends who followed in their RV managed to break their side view mirror so we had to stop for repairs - which I know is not what you want to happen but it did make the ride up that much longer, which I loved.

I think I might look into getting my motorcycle license...that is how much I love the sound and the feel of riding a bike.

Oh, and I did get my 40th birthday commemmorative (is that even close to the spelling?) tattoo.

Yes, yes I did.

It's on my ankle and it is a fleur-de-lis which is the symbol of New Orleans which is where we went for a big birthday trip in April. And where I am confident that I lived in a previous life...I love everything about that city.

And I will return there as often as financially possible.

Also, here are the two spooky, odd things that happened yesterday. But first I must tell you the penny story.

Have you ever gotten that email that's floating around or was years ago about how if you find a penny on the ground it is a kiss from a loved one in heaven? Well, anyway....

The summer after my Dad died of cancer I put together a Relay team for the Cancer Society's Relay for Life. The week before the relay I went to visit my Dad's grave and was talking to him and telling him about the Relay and how I was doing it for him and if he could please give me some sort of sign I would try not to be so stupid as to miss it.

Fast forward to the day of the Relay and my daughter and I are off to the mall for last minute supplies and such. On our way back out to the car I find a penny laying right next to the driver's side. I tell my daughter the penny story and she says that it must be my kiss from my Dad. I, of course, agree with her but think in my head, yeah, right...it's a MALL parking lot there is probably $84,000 laying around here in pennies.

Later that night I'm at the Relay walking the track with an old highschool friend and I'm telling her the story and she tells me, in no uncertain terms, that yes, that was my Dad and I shouldn't be so stupid as to totally disregard it.

In my head, again, I'm saying, yeah right.

The next morning we are taking down the tent and packing up and I go to go into the tent and do a last minute check for any forgotten items and what do I see tucked way into the corner but a penny...from my Dad...had to be.

It just screamed him..."Hey Stupe," he would be saying, "I've already done this once - can you just see it this time."

So, anyway, long story short, yesterday when I went for a teary walk after arguing with hubby, trying to plan my future and thinking that my whole life has just completely blown up in my face I turned off of our driveway onto the semi-countryish road we live on and not ten feet down the road I find...a penny. There is nothing like a kiss or a hug from someone who loves you to make you feel better.

And the other weird thing. After talking and talking and crying alot with the hubby last night and finally seeming to get ourselves pointed onto the right track, I lay my tear-stained face down on my pillow to go to sleep and the digital clock reads 11:59. We had managed to get ourselves to a place of hope in time for my birthday.

And that my friends was the best present ever.

And as a birthday present to me I think each of you reading this should go tell someone that you love them (only if you do, though) Because as much as you THINK they know that it's still nice to hear.

P.S. Another wierdness...this is my 40th entry on my 40th birthday and no I did not plan that.
*cue the Twilight Zone music now*

P.S.S. Did you know that today is chocolate milkshake day? Have one to celebrate. I plan to.

8:46 a.m. - 2006-09-12

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