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Retire the cheerleader

At work lately I have been swamped with the children's summer programming but now I am done and I can get back to reading for my own pleasure instead of for someone else's.

At home lately I have been having the oddest feelings. I mean, I know that my husband is not ever going to be that warm fuzzy guy. I know he's not going to miraculously want to celebrate my birthday in some huge way. He's not going to suddenly start buying me flowers or surprising me with gifts of jewelry. He's not going to spontaneously tell me I look nice when getting ready for a night out. The odd part is .. I'm finding that these things are not bothering me like they used to. Instead of asking him if I look ok in some thinly veiled way of begging for a compliment I just look in the mirror. Instead of wishing that he would surprise me with something ---a gift, an event, a request for time spent together - I just plan my own thing, buy my own bauble, or book my own event. Always including him but not asking or waiting to be asked.

I'm guessing that this newfound detachment is not good but I'm not sure what to do about it.

It gets very tiring being someone's cheerleader when you get very little encouragement back. It wipes you out to be supportive and get no support back.

I usually look forward to the next thing...like "when we go away things will be better" or "it's just the drudgery of every day life that drags us both down" but I don't think that's what it is. I think that my husband is not happy...not happy with the fact that he is not working, not happy with the fact that he has to go to school, not happy with where his life is. The problem being I think that he's sees his unhappiness as tied to me somehow.

Needless to say, I disagree.

The worst part is is that he is not,and make that a BIG not, an introspective guy. He does not look at himself to see if he is the cause or the catalyst or the bringer of unhappiness. And if you point out to him something that you feel he has done he gets immediately defensive and lists the last 20 things YOU did. Not the makings for a healthy, open relationship.

And before anyone tells me that I should not point out things he does wrong or that there is a way to go about it without making him feel the need to go all defensive...I KNOW. Trust me...I know all the "proper arguing" and "how to talk to your spouse" techniques.

I'm just getting dog-tired of having to use them.

2:08 p.m. - 2007-08-01

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