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The Year in Quotes

Okay, here is my year in quotes from my diary. This was fun...long, but fun. I hope you enjoy.

Librarians are, for the most part, not real rebels.

I need chocolate and lots of it.

And remember this is my side of things...for all I know I'm the one in the wrong and it's all my fault. (Highly f'ing unlikely but you never know)

oh
my
frickin'
god

Why the hell doesn't someone invent a magic pill for weight loss. I mean, really, we can put a man on the moon but cellulite is beyond our capabilities???

She had a way of cutting you with that viper tongue in such a sweet voice. It was like syrup with tiny shards of glass in it.

P.S. how funny that I left my purse behind but those 3 foot inflatable bottles from Jimmy Buffett's NEVER left my side.

The streets of NO at that hour of the morning (7:30 or so) smell like...how should I put this?...rotting garbage soaked in stale beer with a soupcon of puke on top...not good, not good on a good day never mind a slightly hungover day.

blackened catfish sandwich..(I would have gladly married this sandwich and the man who made it for me)

We made it a block and a half, walked into a bar and didn't come out until the end of the night.

I also irrationally believe that if I get out of my seat on a plane I will somehow throw off the balance of the plane causing us to plummet to the earth.

That's right, I peed on the plane...in the bathroom even...walked all the way down there, peed, walked all the way back...and lived to tell.

I tell ya, I can't wait to turn 40.

Sweet baby Moses on a tricycle!!!!

I swear that boy got so much extra down below (or so I've heard) because he got nuthin' upstairs. (Tommy Lee)

I hate my treadmill.
I hate it with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns.
I dream of pouring Pepsi (not even DIET Pepsi, regular full sugar 30,000 calorie Pepsi) all over it's circuit board.
I hate it's stupid LED screen and it's never-quite-strong-enough fan.
I hate the people who invented it and the people who manufactured it and the people who sell it and the ones who will repair it when it breaks.

Oh crap!
See what I did just there?
I just jinxed it.

Maybe I'll even get a tattoo.

Allright...off to workout and then clean. Yeah, I know, you're jealous of my jet set lifestyle aren't you?

I was completely, utterly and totally screwed. I was so screwed that somewhere the pain fairy was reclining in a bed, half-covered in a sheet smoking the post-screwing cigarette.

God bless dentists and their receptionists

By the way...good behaviour in jail by a pedophile strikes me as being pretty easy...newsflash!...there are no kids in jail.

As the child slave labour overlords at Nike say...JUST DO IT.

Wake the fuck up, Dubya!

I mean, if in mid-scream, you can KNOW that you are PMSing and you can mentally tell yourself that this is PMS and yet still be screaming about some totally inconsequential thing...yeah, that's not good.

Ladies, ladies, it is ALWAYS better if your undergarments don't show.
AND, if you insist on all your underwear showing at the same time well, then you should probably ensure that it matches to each other...black bra, pink thong...it just screams "I didn't do my laundry this week"

My multi-million dollar Catholic School Board requires me to buy 4 tennis balls so that they may place them on my child's chair at school so that the noise from the moving of said chair is reduced and so that the scuff marks on the floor from the moving of said chair become non-existent.

New Orleans which is where we went for a big birthday trip in April. And where I am confident that I lived in a previous life...I love everything about that city.

Yo! Lindsay! Wear some freakin' underwear why don't ya?!

Stupidheads! (which is not the word I want to use - my word was way worse and had an "f" in it)

1. Taco Bell Soft taco supreme - I have no words. I dream about these sometimes.

The loser has to pay for pedicures for both of us to enjoy on a girls day out.

Curse you, Bell Canada , curse YOUUUUUUU!!!!!
I am trying to figure out a way to make a voodoo doll of the phone company.

And now I hear that 95% of women diagnosed with breast cancer have no family history of the disease.
do a self breast exam today...get a mammogram if your covered for it. I know many women don't get them because it hurts or it's embarrassing but if it were for your daughter, mother, sister, friend you would tell them to just go get it done.

The only problem being...I'm an excellent procrastinator. And if you only have a month to write a novel being a procrastinator is not your best thing.

I believe that it is the first sign of the Apocalypse when Paris Hilton is on the cover of Vogue freakin' magazine in a wife beater tank top that is thinner than Nicole Richie with the bottom of her boobs hanging out.
Expect the horsemen to be on their way, sealed vials and all.
Lakes of fire.....
It's the end of times.

1:25 ultra sound on bladder done, can now go pee.
1:25-1:30 pee forever and while waiting to finish notice that my underwear are on INSIDE OUT. Woner how did this happen? And more importantly did the technician notice? Wonder should I change underwear to right side out? and if she noticed that they were inside out would it be weird to see them suddenly right side out? Wonder which would be more embarrassing to switch or not switch?

Okay, okay, okay (said in the way of Joe Pesci in the Lethal Weapon movies).

And by all means STOP using the word "christian" to describe yourself. Being Christian involves a heck of alot more than dragging your sorry, meth-taking, amateur massage-getting, not-homosexual-but-don't-mind-a-little guy-on-guy-action ass to church every Sunday.

Any man under the age of 70 who still goes by the name DICK has issues that he needs to deal with.
Really.
Think about it.
DICK Cheney.
I rest my case.

Okay, people, date dues in library books are not suggestions, they are not guidelines. They are the date that the book MUST be returned.

O.J. Simpson..what the hell?

'Cause I am not spending my Disney trip with a bunch of pouty malcontents...

Sweet baby Jesus eatin' a popsicle!

If you take your child to the library and he decides to crap in his diaper please take him home.
...don't let him wander aromatically all over the building.

Nah, with my luck they are living in a trailer park, drinking cheap beer and trying to grow their mullets out.

I would probably make an excellent alcoholic. I would be attending meetings like every day.

Hell, no.
You did NOT just insult my child's weight, you big-mouthed, cankle-owning, selfish, money-grubbing bitch.

Again, I say...Woohooo!!!!

He thought about the fact that K plays hockey but the only gift idea he could come up with was hockey tape...

That's right, we sat in her car and shared a bottle of red wine that she got as a Christmas gift.

P.S. Just so you all know, we each paid for our own because neither one of us won our weight loss challenge. THAT is apparently the one thing we cannot do together. Sad...sad, but true. Although we frickin' rock at eating and drinking together.

100 things about ME!!

Happy New Year, again.

4:48 p.m. - 2007-01-02

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