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Marriage is NOT it's all cracked up to be & a new bookpick

Do you ever have one of those days where all day long you're on the verge of tears?
Or is it just me?

This has been a pretty crappy year. My relationship with the my hubby (god, I hate that word!) is not all that great. Sometimes we go a week or even a month and I think every thing is all right and then somehow the memories of the last year come back and wash over me like some warm sewage-filled wave at the beach.

Let me explain.

And remember this is my side of things...for all I know I'm the one in the wrong and it's all my fault. (Highly f'ing unlikely but you never know)

This last summer, the summer of '05. We were coming off what I thought was our best year ever. Nothing more than routine disagreements, spending lots of time together, going out with friends, seeing concerts, all round having a blast. I had even told people that we spend Saturday nights sometime just sitting out in the backyard drinking beer and talking til the wee hours. It was great....or so I thought.

Here comes the night of our annual BBQ. Friends and family abound, food and drink flow like rivers or whatever.
The end of the night we are sitting with a neighbour talking about the night and people and stuff. My husband starts talking about the son of friends of ours. The neighbour mentions that the son was a lively fellow and where does he get that from as his dad is quiet and laid back. My husband pipes up and says, "He's adopted" (as am I, by the way).

I look at him quizzically and say, "Why would you say that. Why is his being adopted even worth mentioning?
My husband then begins to interrupt me and say that just because I'm adopted doesn't mean I have to get all "worked up"
I say, in a little louder voice, "wait a minute, all I'm saying.."
He says something about how I always think I'm right and I say that he seems to be in a bit of a pissy mood and that I believe he's been like that all night.
Then there's no talking to him and he stomps off and I'm left aghast with the neighbour.

Fast forward to the next morning when we wake up and I say to him that maybe we shouldn't do these BBQ's because we appear to not be very good at them.

He then informs me that I get drunk and obnoxious when I drink and that NO ONE wants to be around me. I always have to be right and he doesn't even want to go on our vacation trip with me and he can't imagine anyone who would.
Again, there's me with the aghast face.

I quietly tell him that the "thing" that I wanted to be right about last night, had he given me a chance to speak, was that the mother of the adopted boy in question is an extremely lively, outgoing, life-of-the-party kind of girl and perhaps that his where her son got it from and not some birth mother that he only saw for a few measly hours after his birth.

My loving(HA!) husband then says "I never thought of that" No apology, no nothing.

Then in the 6 months between then and now I have heard again that I'm am loud and obnoxious when I drink, I am lazy because the house is not cleaned to his specifications. He's accused me of lying because I told him I vacuumed but when he came home the vacuum cleaner was in the same place as when he left...duh...maybe I put it away. I'm a crappy mother, not too good in the wife department (not enough sex, of course) and that he is "this close" to leaving but that he'll take care of his responsibilites and all.

Now, mind you these things have been spread out so that every time I think we have hurdled the rough patch he throws something down that cuts me to the quick and causes me to rethink everything.

Anyhow, of course I attempted to make things right.
I was more into the bedroom...he wanted to know why I suddenly changed...duh...you told me I should.

I cleaned the house like a maniac...that was when the "lying" bit happened.

I paid more attention to him when we went out. Always sure to give him a kiss on the cheek or put my arm around him or rub his back....for that I got totally ignored at an annual party my friends throw. I can't remember the last time he initiated a kiss for no reason. He alway gives me a peck when he leaves the house but he's told me he loves me unprompted once this last year.

After telling me that he wants more of a sexual relationship he now can go a month or so with nothing.

Aaaahh, I can't even continue with this entry...it just either pisses me off or makes me want to cry.

Today he's been wonderful but now I seem to be waiting for the other shoe to drop or the axe to fall or whatever cliche you want to use.

Fuck.

I'm outta here. Thanks for listening.

P.S Book pick for this month is a non-fiction called Julie and Julia, 365 days, 524 recipes , 1 tiny apartment kitchen by Julie Powell. It's the adventure of Julie Powell who challenges herself to cook every dish out of Julia Child's Master the ARt of French Cooking. Really well written and so funny in parts you'll laugh out loud. Especially the entry her mom leaves in her blog...page 200...but don't skip ahead because it won't be funny unless you read all that comes before.

6:29 p.m. - 2006-03-26

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